Sunday, February 8, 2009

The All New Dating Game

It’s funny, but dating doesn’t mean much to me these days. And to be fair, it’s not just that this tiny little wannabe-city doesn’t afford much opportunity to meet people, and even if it did, most of them already have a wife/girlfriend/drug problem. I just don’t have time to devote to getting to know someone, and I can’t see myself making too much time for someone I don’t know. Add that to having a few active kids, a mother that lives in the same house, and a general lack of interest – and you have a basically date-free situation.

But – because I am an avid people watcher (in a totally non-invasive, non-voyeurism kind of way of course) – I was considering a social experiment. Having been on MySpace for a couple years, and never with the intention of dating, I have still managed to get a good feel for the social aspect. You can find a little bit of everything there. The Spacers run the gamut from truly interesting and creative people to completely psychotic idiots with very little to say that doesn’t come from the lyrics of 50 Cent’s Magic Stick. (Go look them up, dorks – better yet, ask your 17 year old).

So, I was thinking I’d get a second job long enough to pay for memberships at eHarmony, and If they’re anything like MySpace, I’ll photoshop a good profile pic, and then randomly draw a birthday out of a hat, just hoping I don’t have to be 19 or 99. Or maybe I’ll find a really good old photo of Audrey Hepburn and pretend I photoshopped it to give it that old look.

My about me section should definitely sell me like the fine, barely-used goods I am. I keep trying to think of what Paris would say if she were talking about herself – after all, who else can market non-talent well enough to get her own record deal, tv show, and fanatical following? Something along the lines of “ I love long walks on the beach, small dogs that fit in my purse, and making sex tapes you can sell when we break up”.

My hometown has to be something romantic, and yet geared towards men. Maybe Daytona or Detroit, or even Pittsburgh - to take advantage of the Super Bowl hype and win the sports-lover vote.

And I’m totally lying about my kids. I thought I’d just say they’re my siblings, and that I like to help my poor, birth-control-impaired mother because she’s such a sad case. You know, I had to quit school when I was 17 so I could work to support my sisters and brothers, and had to walk to work uphill, ten miles, in the snow.

Or how about this? “I am searching for Mr. Right. Someone who doesn’t talk too much, watches me clean house from the couch, and doesn’t mind if I clean it in the nude. I like men who like beer, and love the challenge of changing myself to suit their needs. Loves dogs, and doesn’t mind fleas. Can fish, hunt, throw like a boy, and scale a slippery pole wearing only thongs and high heels.”

I really don’t think these things are SO far from the truth that I can’t pull it off. I can hook one first, so I don’t have to waste time “getting to know them”. I can string them along with emails and texts and 5 minute chats.
The fact is, online dating is perfect for how I feel right now….like sitting on the couch for an indeterminable amount of time, wearing sweats and a ponytail, gaining weight and growing another chin. I can be who I want to be, while still portraying what I want prospective ex’s to see. It’s perfect.

I can't imagine why online dating isn't more popular!


Wow, that was awkward said...

I have heard that sending nekked photos on those dating sites works really well.

Char said...

:P I so identify with's just not worth shaving my legs as that song goes. The last few I had were not worth the effort of getting them off the sofa.

Periodically Consistent said...

@BH - Duh. As long as they're of someone WAY hotter.

@Char - I just LOVE that I'm not the only one that considers shaving when weighing the pros and cons of dating. Hair removal altogether....I wont wax the brows outside of my normal schedule for just anyone!

Wow, that was awkward said...

You mean way hotter than me, right? Cuz those photos of you on JessDoesFlorissippi dot com are smokin hot!

Periodically Consistent said...

@ BH - Oh PAHlease. Those were from like 1995. Things change...and sometimes stretch and droop.