I Can Resist Everything...But Temptation

(Written for MS!)

It’s been almost 2 years since I posted my first blog about smoking cessation. I’ve tried to quit once since then, with the “miracle drug” Chantix – which has since been proven to cause death, which in my mind is worse than most side effects of smoking. Otherwise – I have gone about my stink-cloud business, and managed to continue smoking without selling any of my kids to support the insanely ridiculous Taxachusetts state treasury.

But its time again. Not because I am less willing to spend half of my take home pay on my own pleasure, and not because I no longer wish to age rapidly, dehydrate easily, or fill my lungs with enough tar to repave the Autobahn. I can’t even say it’s because I am ready to quit.

The hospital I where I spend most of my waking hours earning a paycheck is going “Smoke Free” as of March 1st, and oh, have they gone all out to communicate this to its staff, patients and flower delivery guys. There have been tent cards on the cafeteria tables for months. There have been memo’s enough to ensure an entire square mile of the rainforest is now gone. They have distributed their wretched offers of free cessation counseling and have given us an aerial view of what is included in “the campus” that cordons off about half the city.

In any case – most of the smokers have spent their recent smoke breaks in a rage about the whole thing, while squeezing into a tiny little piece of muddy/icy lawn across from the main building equipped with several butt receptacles and “Thank you for not smoking” signs. There’s a huge sandwich board that’s been counting down the days for us just as you walk back in. I hear rumblings of strikes and smoke-ins and burning the head honcho in effigy with a six-foot Bic.

But I am calm. I am a pinnacle of tranquility. I am a fortress of I-don’t-give-a –fuckedness.

Smokes are going up another 75 cents in April – and shelling out almost eight bucks a pack just isn’t going to work for me. The entire state seems to be against us. Before long, I expect a prohibition-style denial of ALL my rights wherein everything I like to do will become illegal. I’ll be one bitchy, smoke and alcohol free, internet-deprived, asexual cunt with plenty of spare moola and decaf coffee.

In preparation for all this, I pulled up the MYSPACE BUTT OUT blogs from August 2007, and was going to repost them. My buddy ISIS and I had a great list of tips for quitting, and we had fun banging our heads against the wall of nicotine for half a minute. But, I read through them, decided the whole thing was a crock of shit, and revised them a bit – which had to be done quickly, because it was almost time for a smoke break.

How To Be A Quitter....

Oral fixation: If you don’t have a man, find one. If you ARE a man, get a Slim Jim – and be realistic – the short ones that don’t last long are best. Gum, candy and lozenges are useless.
Planned weaning: Cold turkey is impossible for most people. Set a date. Preferably after you’ve been to a good psychic and have confirmed your expiration date. Chose that date and mark it on your calendar. Nothing like waiting till the last minute.

List the benefits of quitting and post them in places you are most often, your desk, your bedpost:
a. Longer life
b. More energy
c. More money (and what you will do with it)
d. Less friends to muddle up your schedule, since the only ones that will be left are the ones that quit smoking with you, and are just as miserable

Persistence: If you break down and have a cig remember that quitters never win and winners never quit. I’m a winner, what are you?

Proclaim yourself a non-smoker from day one. And then sneak behind the nearest Starbucks and light one up. Quitters never lie either, but winners do.

Meditate: The calming factor of slow, deliberate breathing and trying to clear your mind of the frustration may help get you through the rough spots. If you do this with a lit Marlboro, you get twice the results.

REINVENT and REDIRECT: Reinvent your routine – smoking goes well with meals, coffee, beer, and sex. People who are trying to quit may need to avoid these and form other routines while quitting. The people that do this, however, will be deleted from my Friends List.

Exercise: "Your body is much less apt to fire up those smoking addiction synapses when it is caught up in firing off those "Oh my God, I need oxygen badly" synapses. For me – oxygen is farther down on my addiction list than nicotine, so I’d never hear my body telling me that over the screams for a puff in my head.

Nicotine replacement and other medications: Assuming you don’t have an addiction to the oral or mental aspects, drugs are the obvious choice. And now that marijuana has been decriminalized in MA, it gets my vote for first choice.

Tell EVERYONE: Nothing is better than a supportive group of friends when you lay crumpled under your desk, blubbering like a school girl who lost her glitter pens. Their laughter will undoubtedly cheer you better than a smoke ever could, and one of them is likely to have a menthol in their pocket.

Get SICK: I cannot tell you how many people have said they quit because they were sick, and couldn't smoke without puking/coughing up a lung/passing out. Besides, it’s job security for me.

Get pregnant: Okay….so this one doesn't actually save you money and often has the opposite effect on men, but I can totally see myself telling some well-chosen one-night stand that I only need him for one night because I’m trying to quit smoking.

Anyone want to join me?


“Remember, if you’re smoking after sex, you’re doing it too fast”
– Woody Allen